How To Survive A Horror Movie: 5 Tips
I’ve been a horror movie fan since I was wee lad. The first movie I ever remember seeing in the movie theater was Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare, not the greatest movie but it started me on a lifelong love of all things horror. From Freddy Krueger and Michael Myers to the Rob Zombie and Eli Roth’s of today, I’m still obsessed. In my 28 years on this earth I feel like I’ve watched a considerable amount of genre flicks. I’ve already written how I’m completely in love with Sheri Moon Zombie.
I must admit that I’m one of those guys who watch scary movies and sometimes scream at the characters. I always felt that I would without a question survive one of these movies. As Jamie Kennedy told us back in 1996 in Wes Craven’s classic ‘Scream’, “There are certain rules that one must abide by in order to successfully survive a horror movie!”
Don’t Be A Non-Believer
In a scary movie whenever the s*** starts to hits the fan there is always somebody who is in complete denial. He’s usually skeptical all the way up to the minute he is brutally murdered. If your best friend or girlfriend tells you about something horrific that just happened at least listen.
Don’t Investigate Anything…EVER
Unless you’re a police officer or some sort of private eye you should never be investigating anything. If you’re alone in your home and you hear suspicious noises it’s okay to call the police immediately. You don’t need to verify that a crime is happening in order to get the cops to come to your house. I know old people who call the cops because they saw a stray dog, so please DON’T INVESTIGATE ANY NOISES YOURSELF!
Always Make Sure Your Car Is In Perfect Working Order
Whenever a character is about to die in a horror movie he or she usually tries to make their escape via their decade-old car. Though 9 times out of 10 the car never starts for some reason, the car was working fine all the way up until then but now it couldn’t be more convenient (for the killer) or inconvenient (for you) to have your car not up to code. So please take your vehicle to the garage frequently. I repeat, Make Sure Your Car is Always in Perfect Working Order.
This seems obvious but decade after decade we are still seeing movie characters who decide to split up for no good reason after the killer begins his rampage. Is it really that important to cover twice the ground? I feel like one group of 6 will be safer than three groups of 2 anytime.
Avoid Proms and High School Gatherings
In a horror movie you can count on at least one death taking place at the prom or some other high school party. Is dancing in a rented tux and hoping to get lucky with the prom queen really worth your life? If she’s really hot maybe it is, but seriously just say no.
In conclusion, next time you find yourself in the literally impossible situation of being stuck in a horror film just follow these rules and you’ll be fine.